Jealousy.

UnknownDreamland · August 2010

I wish I could be someone else sometimes. I feel ungrateful though. I have a roof over my head. I have good food in front of me. I don't have to share a computer, in fact I have two of my own. I remember a lot of things from my early age. I remember finding my favorite color when I was little.. I don't know how old... I colored a whole loose leaf page bright orange with my crayons and then my parents put me in my crib for a nap. I remember being 5 and my parents told me if I cleaned litter boxes they'd consider getting a dog. I'd always asked for a dog. I remember not long after that all our cats became very ill and were having accidents all over the house. At the time my sister was a toddler and my brother might have been born. You can't have that sort of stuff with kids that age around. The cats, with no cure, had to be put to sleep. I remember going to school so excited one day because I misunderstood my mom and thought she told me I could have a dog. So I went to school and told all my friends, all the boys, and the teacher. I was so incredibly happy. My friend who drew very well(and I was secretly jealous of.. She also had a beautiful Collie.) gave me a picture of a dog she drew. I didn't get the dog. I was so ashamed, embarrassed, sad. I remember coming so close.. so many times. My parents would not foster. The would not volunteer with me. They would not. So with no other options to cure my intense longing for a dog I began reading anything about dogs I could get my hands old. I read books about all sorts of training. I researched dog breeds, had favorites. Those changed, sure. But the thing that did not change was this need for a dog. The things I'd like to do with the dog did change Once I discovered agility, I was hooked. It was like the ultimate test of a bond between dog and owner. The dog listening to you, you knowing your dog well enough to get him to listen to you in the first place. It was just amazing. I couldn't get enough of it. I recorded Nationals on our DVR, I read books on agility, I watched videos on youtube. A few years passed and then I was 12. Some of you older players remember what happened here. I mean, we're almost at the 3 year mark since the horrible day. When I was 12 I gave it another shot after shutting up about the dog idea for 2 years when my parents said 'wait til we move'. I made a four page presentation. Why we should get a dog, what we could do with a dog, why I wanted a dog, and what kind of dog I wanted. My parents listened. My parents talked for two weeks. They came back to me with a PowerPoint presentation with their own points, conditions, questions. Questions. I had 10 of them. My parents expected them to take me a week or so. But I had done my research, I really had. I answered them all in 4 hours after double and triple checking my work. I found out that day that I would finally get my dog. In mid April I was at a shelter. I looked at all the dogs. So many times. I looked at the puppies. But the one I clicked with. The one I felt something with.. Was Auzzy. Auzzy was an australian shepherd mix. He was young, about 1 1/2. And he was the one dog in there that was not barking. I saw him bark once there. After I had left his sight. Auzzy was my dream dog. I knew border collies and aussies seemed to dominate the agility world. He was quick, agile, he loved to run, he was great at jumps, great with dogs, but still had that one person he loved and bonded with. Me. Long story short.. Auzzy developed major fear, domination, and mouthing problems. His life ended two weeks after he bit me in the face, unprovoked, untouched, and he was not asleep. He was fully aware that I was there. He was surrendered to the SPCA.. we couldn't keep him. I asked my dad(who went) to ask them if he was rehomed.. if they could ask them to maybe give them our number or something, explain the situation.. so maybe I could still see him. He was told flat out that dogs with aggressive past times are put on rabies watch for 10 days then put to sleep. If they put Auzzy to sleep once that 10 day period was over, it would have been on my birthday. Exactly. Happy Thirteenth. I have Bellamy now. She's a sweet, shy, gentle dog. She's great with kids, great with cats, great with everything. Except new dogs and lots of activity. When I was told I could have another dog, I was so shocked. My parents had told me "if Auzzy ends up going back to the shelter, you're not getting another dog. So put all your work into him." I put a lot of effort again into finding a new dog. I posted here on VP asking for people to share their thoughts. I blamed myself for Auzzy. I had no right anyway. I finally thought I found the right dog. She was a bit older, but I think at that point I just needed another dog in the house. Everyone did. Well, my mom and I did. But that's another story. My mom and I were interested in two different dogs. Mine was smaller, short haired, younger(8 months).. male. I liked male dogs. I'm not sure if that's Auzzy or just personal preference. My mom liked a female. A bit older. 5 years old, shy. She gets very attached. The was a field near by and we asked the person at the front desk if we could run the female around in the field and talk privately. She said yes. My mom told me she was not interested at all in the 8 month old. This female was a gem. If I didn't like her, fine. We'd keep looking. I ran the female around, she was so fast. I thought maybe my agility dreams might be possible with her. I don't know what it was. My desperation to have a dog again, the feeling that it was right for the family(but not for me) or what.. But I said yes. We took Bella. Come to find out, Bella's nervous around dogs. Okay, we can work with that. Bella was attacked.. 5 times at my old home. She is very shy, but not aggressive around dogs. She's not very driven by the idea of pleasing me. Just my mom. She loves my mom. Not me. She's not Auzzy. She was a dog, that was wonderful to have in my life when I was healing(and still am) from Auzzy. ' But not the dog for me. If I didn't have family with me that day and I was an adult, I would have taken the male. Simply put. I get so jealous of these people when I hear their parents understand their dream. Their parents care about their dreams. I get told my dream of bonding with a dog, training a dog, and a dog loving me for years on end would come true. Twice. How many times has it NOT come true? Twice. Now that I'm at the age I am, you would think they'd be more willing to hear me out. Everything has changed since that day in April. From my 13th birthday. From November 5th when Bella was adopted. Everything has changed. I'm just jealous. I wish I fit in with my family. I wish I could go back in time and fix the problem with Auzzy. I wish I could have one more chance. I'm ungrateful, I know. But the thing is, I'm not even hearing a real reason as to why I can't try one last time. We're not breaking laws by the amount of pets we have. We love each and every one of our pets. And we care for each and every one of our pets. My father puts one thing towards pets and that's money. I share any vet bills for my dog. I pay half. I don't have a job so it's the most I can do right now, and they appreciate it. But for him to say the number is too high is telling me he doesn't understand. I could have 10 dog, but if I had the time to nurture and care to each of their needs and more, it's just a number. It doesn't have a meaning as far as I'm concerned. For my family to disrespect my two passions as they do(and I'm not posting what they tell me as I do not curse) is unbelievable hard to handle. I'm jealous of people who had their first dog for more than 6 months. I'm jealous of people who have understanding parents. Parents who even just pretend to understand.. or even care. I'm sorry, but I'm jealous. If you actually read all of that.... I really truly appreciate it. And if you really did read my post, I hope you can imagine how much I mean that.

Kazuko · August 2010

I understand what you feel by saying that having a dog of your own was your dream. I went through asking for a dog for ten or so years. First with my grandmother for two, we went as far as going to a shelter before she changed her mind. Then I moved back with my parents, and asked them for another eight years. I watched as my stepmom brought animals home, cats, birds, anything she wanted, and then watched as those animals deteriorated because she wouldn't take them to the vet until their kidneys were failing, or their adrenal glands shut down. I watched as my younger sister moved back in with my grandma, and she got a puppy. The puppy I ended up teaching not to jump on my grandma or my disabled grandfather. The puppy, now a dog, that still isn't leash trained, and is just growing fatter and fatter, much like their other dog, who has a roll of fat currently eating her tail. But at least they get vet visits. Took ten years, getting married, and moving before my dream of having my own dog could finally come to light- and even that took two months of constant "Sure you can have a dog... when you drive, get a job, and start going to college." and "Sure, you can get a dog, but you have a choice between THIS breed and THIS breed." even though neither breed made sense to have in a house with no backyard, or while living in South Carolina. This weekend I'm getting my first dog. I remember what you said you were going through, from the first excited moment you got Auzzy. Yeah, you've been on VP -that- long. =p There will, through some means, be a turning point where you can get another dog, a dog that will be perfect for agility, and a dog that will click with you well enough for agility to become not only possible, but fated. I don't know when that time will be, since I'm not psychic, but good things come to those who wait, even if waiting is a pain in the butt. xD

RoyalRaccoon · August 2010

I read the whole thing. I'm very sorry you've had to go through things like that, and have feelings like that. Everyone is guilty of feeling jealousy at one point or another, because there is no way to have a perfect life. You'd think I'd be happy, because essentially I have had, and do have what you want, but I still feel jealousy. As much as I love animals, and as much as I am prepared to devote my life towards working with them, there is still one thing I'd give them all up for. I know the feelings you're feeling. However, I've learned lessons from having this jealousy for so long, and I'm sure you'll also learn them; one being that you can't change what happened in the past, no matter how hard to wish you could, and two being that can't control other people. You won't get to go back and fix what happened with Auzzy, and you may never get your parents to understand, but that's okay, even if you can't understand that now, or ever. Overall, jealousy isn't a bad thing to have in my opinion. I look at it as being another tool in life that teaches us things. Just make sure your jealousy doesn't consume you, or hurt other people. I do sometimes doubt it, but things do seem to get better with time. Your dreams may not be happening as fast as you like, but I believe that as long as you keep your dream strong, you will one day get another chance to raise another dog, or ten, or many many more! The waiting, mistakes, and unfortunate incidents are only going to make it seem so much better when you finally do get a dog that really makes you entirely happy. Don't give up, and don't feel wrong that you wish had something that is that important to you.

Garnet · August 2010

I read that entire thing and I just wanted to go out and buy you a new puppy every time you said you asked for one D= I'm so sorry that your parents don't understand your dreams. My mother wont accept the fact that I have always dreamed of owning a barrel horse and being able to do drill. Unlike the fact that you can go out and get a dog for agility at any age, to do drill, you have to be in high school. I'm going into my senior year THIS month. This is my last chance. My last year. So I know how you feel about not being able to live your dreams. I'm sorry it happened to you =( I also know what it's like to lose a dog you love so much. When I was two my brother bought me a chow/wolf mix. Yes he had a full blooded wolf for a father and even looked like a wolf, he was the sweetest puppy I'd ever known. We had him 9 years before he got sick and passed away. I still have scars (accidental) from playing around with him in the backyard.. I want to cry every time I look at those scars. It's hard to get over.. It took me another three years to talk my mom into another dog.. But she INSISTED it be a small dog. So, we got my Chihuahua from my friends mom (she breeds them). Shes more attached to my mom and dad than she is to me.. It was supposed to be a dog for ME but it turned out being more their dog than mine. I know almost exactly how you feel =(

iluvdogs111 · August 2010

I am very sorry that your plans didn't work out-but don't give up! It's not too late-someday you'll find your perfect dog and maybe even your perfect agility dog. I'm sorry that your parents don't understand you and your dreams, but I'm sure they still care about you. But what happned with Auzzy was not your fault- he just wasn't the right dog for you. I'm so sorry it didn't work out. To be honest, I don't understand the feeling of not having a dog for so long, or not having your parents understand that you needed one. I've grown up with dogs. When I was born my parents already owned the sweetest lab. As soon as she died, we got another one, and a couple years later, we got another. Even though I have these dogs, that I love to death, there are still a lot of things I don't have, and there are still a lot of people I get jealous of. I don't know if that makes you feel any better, but it is true. I really hope that someday you'll find your perfect dog. Trust me, it is possible! Good luck, I hope everything gets better for you.

lovefrompaige · August 2010

Dreamers,

*huggles* I'm so sorry Dreamy. I hope someday in the near future, you can find your dream dog and do all the things you've ever dreamed you could do and stick it in your parents face about how amazing your dog is and all ^_^ I miss chattin with ya.

UnknownDreamland · August 2010

Kazuko Thank you so much for understanding. I really appreciate it. I guess I was lucky that I didn't get it rubbed in my face that I couldn't have what I want like you did. I think I'm also scared. Any career I have in mind for the future has low pay or is hard to get into the field. Such as an art or an animal-related one. That's all I can really do. So it's almost like.. If I don't get this dog -now- it's going to feel like I'll never get one. I'm so afraid I won't have the money or I WILL but I'll be too afraid of what could happen and dragging a dog down with me. While if I had the dog now I could learn with the dog. If that makes sense? I take Financial Literacy, it's my best and favorite subject so far(online schooling) but it's scaring me. I know it's good for me to know, but I have a really low confidence level already. I'm telling myself I can't do it. And I'm just... lost. Yeah, I have been here a long time. I'm so worried people will look at it as 'she wants another dog'. It's not ANOTHER dog. It's -the- dog. I was what I should have had in Auzzy. Is that wrong? What kills me is that I don't have any options. I can't even just foster a dog that would love agility. I can't even go in and volunteer with them. I have no outlet for this need. So I'm going to become more and more desperate. Sorry I'm rambling, I just don't really know what to say. DX It's such a confusing subject for me. I never got any closure about Auzzy. He was put to sleep, yeah. But.. yeah.

PrinceSushi I see your point on the jealousy thing. I was raised to think of jealousy as a horrid 'disease' within that only good hearts could get rid of.

No one can -not- be jealous about something. So that's something I can work on, viewing jealousy as something wrong, sure. But not something -horrible-. It does teach you things in life. So thank you for that. < 33 I think that it's not how long it's taking that really hurts. I mean if it's a dream you hold onto it as long as you can. That's what makes it a dream. But it's more of.. Getting my hopes up, I got a yes -twice- and it didn't work out. Both times. That's just utterly painful.

But I really can't wait to see that day when I can finally get my dream dog. Garnet Aww, thank you so much. < 3333 I -completely- get your dream of the barrel horse and doing drill. My dream involves competing with my dog in juniors. Juniors is until 17 or 18. I turn 16 in October.

It's so scary, but I've begun to accept it won't happen. It's hard to dream a dream with time limits. You do know how it feels.

I almost wish I had a scar. I wear Auzzy's dog tag on a necklace all the time. I never take it off. That's all I have. It just didn't make sense to me. How could Bella playing with me and missing the toy and grabbing my finger leave a scar.. But a bite to the face and months of mouthing my arms not leave one scar. Not one. I resented Bella and I think that helped her choose my mom over me. I pushed Bella away, pulled her close, then something would upset me, and I'd push her away again. And I know when she is put down one day that I'll regret every single time I pushed her away. It will be all my fault. It's what always happens. iluvdogs111 Thank you so much. I know I'll definitely get my dream dog someday. Maybe my dream dog and my dream dog for agility all in one. I'm just desperate to know -when-. My original dream of a dog to compete in juniors with is slipping away. Auzzy would be around 5 years old if he were here today. And I could have had experience and the confidence that I could compete under my belt. < 333 Bobcat Thank you so much Conbat(was that what your dreamified name was?)! < 333 And I miss talking to you too.

Garnet · August 2010

Dreamland wrote:

Garnet Aww, thank you so much. < 3333 I -completely- get your dream of the barrel horse and doing drill. My dream involves competing with my dog in juniors. Juniors is until 17 or 18. I turn 16 in October. It's so scary, but I've begun to accept it won't happen. It's hard to dream a dream with time limits. You do know how it feels. I almost wish I had a scar. I wear Auzzy's dog tag on a necklace all the time. I never take it off. That's all I have. It just didn't make sense to me. How could Bella playing with me and missing the toy and grabbing my finger leave a scar.. But a bite to the face and months of mouthing my arms not leave one scar. Not one. I resented Bella and I think that helped her choose my mom over me. I pushed Bella away, pulled her close, then something would upset me, and I'd push her away again. And I know when she is put down one day that I'll regret every single time I pushed her away. It will be all my fault. It's what always happens.

Yea, maybe you can talk your parents into it before you turn 19! I hope you do! I think you would really enjoy it! I love the dog tag necklace idea though. It's cute and a great way to carry a memory with you. I understand with the littlest things leaving scars too. I accidentally hit my knee on a DULL dresser edge and it left an inch long scar, but I can flip a truck -slamming my head against the window frame and dragging my arm across the gravel/sticks/dirt (window was down) in the process - and walk away without so much as a scratch.. I push things away from me as well. Like with my nephew. It's different from a dog, but the same in a way. He was always loud and he started to get all the attention from my parents (i'm the youngest and was used to having the attention) so i resented him for that. I wouldn't talk to him and id lock my bedroom door and wouldn't let him in. He stopped having anything to do with me and I realized how much i did care for him and how hurtful my actions were to him. I've spent the last 5 years making up for that. (He's 9 now) I take him to get ice cream, i take him to see new movies he wants to see, I even wrestle around in the floor with him. Now when my brother brings him and my niece over, he runs straight to me and gives me a huge hug and tells me about everything that has gone on at their house. So, I don't think its ever to late to make things right. No everyone is perfect and everyone has their flaws. We just have to be strong enough to accept it and work with it to make things okay in the end. Maybe over time, you can bond with Bella if you wish to

lovefrompaige · August 2010

lmao XD OMG! I almost forgot about that name >.> That has to be one of my most favorite nicknames eva ^3^

Shibagirl · August 2010

I have never not had a dog in my life, there was never a time when I was dogless. I was born with a dog lol. First was my English Springer, then before she passed we got my Newfie, then after my Springer passed we got my unknown dog, then my Newf passed and we got my first Shiba, a few years later a Boston, and about a month ago my second Shiba. I still have my unknown mutt. I did have to prove to my mom that I had the responsibility to care for a Chinchilla and researched. I also researched dogs just because, and read through the AKC breed standards book.. All the way through, but hey. I'm a dog nerd. Lol

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Jealousy.

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